Spiegelworld’s Empire: Sexier than David Beckham in Y-Fronts

If I had the choice of a) eating sushi off David Beckham’s flawless torso for the rest of my life or, b) sitting in on a showing of Empire every night for the next three weeks, I’d choose b).

Wellingtonians and Cantabrians,  if you haven’t seen it, I’m sorry, the show’s been and gone. You’ll have to make do with the video down the bottom. Aucklanders, lucky you, you’ve got until the 15th of February to see the show and see it you must.

Here’s ten reasons why:

1. It’s circus, but not as you know it. There’s no clowns with red noses (thank God, I’d sooner end up in the loony bin than see a show with red-nosed clowns in it); there’s no sparkly sequined leotards; and there’s no generic jump-from-one-high-swing-to-the-other act.
2. It’s sexy as hell. Literally every single person, from the performers to the stage hands to the ushers, is insanely sexy. Screw David Beckham, you’ll be wanting to writhe around with Graffiti Guy whilst simultaneously setting yourself up on a life-long diet to obtain the chiseled body of the female acrobats.
3. It’s hilarious. In a totally crass, OTT, willies and vaginas kind of way. The hosts are a husband and wife duo direct from California, dubbed Oscar and Fanny, and they will, without a doubt, make you laugh ’til your cheeks hurt and cringe ’til your stomach flip-flops.
4. The music is awesome. With a live singer (from Broadway, no less) and guitarist, you’re treated to some awesome mash-ups of today’s hottest songs.
5. Each performance takes place on a circular stage no bigger than a table at Yum-Cha. Which, considering the insanity of some of the acts, is terribly impressive.
6. The tent is out of this world beautiful. It’s a Spiegeltent (Dutch for ‘Mirror Tent’) and it’s made of wood, stained glass, and mirrors. What’s most awe-inspiring though, is the fact that not a single hammer or nail is used in putting it up – it all slots together and it takes two guys from Belgium at least five days to erect it.
7. There’s bubbles. And lots of bananas. And a merry-go-round pony that just can’t get a break.
8. Sit in one of the front three rows and you’ll be up close and personal with the performers – you can see them shake, the concentration on their faces, the way they communicate with each other, and the sweat dripping down their backs. In fact, you can even hear them breathe.
9. The audience interaction is bang-on. Each performer is their own character and they’re pretty darn good at warming up the crowd. You’ll get the chance to be very close to some of them, ahem.
10. There’s a bar. In the tent. That you can visit whenever you want. And guys, if you’re lucky enough, you’ll get a free beer. If you work for it…

And in case you weren’t excited enough already, here’s the hype reel from their Australian tour last year. Enjoy. Go see.

Oh and of course, you can buy tickets here.