Being knifed in the back, especially by the hand of someone you trusted without question, is something players can’t forgive. This week’s been a really big week for betrayal, with author Eleanor Catton and an assembled mass of political and media folks all lining up to tall-poppy each other while the rest of the nation looks on with varying degrees of interest.
If Catton’s original criticism of New Zealand’s Government could possibly, even remotely, have been taken by any reasonable person as a betrayal of the hand that originally fed her so that she could move the hand that wrote the book that delivered the $750,000 of GST into the hand that fed her, then at least the ensuing war of words is being conducted in a more sporting fashion. Everyone’s now stabbing each other in the front.
Nobody likes a real traitor, and players have known many. Here are a few of the worst.
Lt. Gen. Shepherd (Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2)
Shepherd’s a flaming disgrace.
Modern Warfare 2 is the Call of Duty that made politicians frown and commentators tut-tut like submachine guns, because of the mega-controversial “No Russian” mission which gave players the option of participating in a civilian massacre. That level ended in a chilling and unexpected betrayal, but that’s not even the worst of it.
Towards the end of the game, two of your baddest dudes complete an against-all-odds retrieval mission and bring the information their boss, one Lt. Gen. Shepherd, needs for the US Army to gain the upper hand against a real piece of work named Makarov, the ice-blooded architect of the airport massacre.
The problem is Shepherd isn’t keen to share his credit and glory so, rather than handing out high-fives and medals, he puts bullets in you and your mate before having your bodies thrown in a ditch, doused in petrol, and set alight.
Oh, and since you were only shot in the guts, you’re conscious when Shepherd begins the barbecue.
Manny (Def Jam Vendetta)
Ignore his Mannysplaining at your peril.
Okay, so you’re probably asking for a sly shanking if you’re playing a game with “vendetta” in the title. Manny’s mid-plot betrayal isn’t a complete surprise, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t a slimy punkass.
D-Mob’s an intolerably bad gangsta with an incongrously nice girlfriend, and Manny owes him a serious debt. In the spirit of so many wonderful fairy tales, your job as a thuggin’ knight in shining bling is to help Manny dig himself out of a hole by rising up in the underground gangsta rap streetfighting circuit to ultimately face D-Mob, and woo his lady Angel in the process. (Spoiler: she likes you anyway. Trivia: She’s voiced by Christina Milian. Remember when she was in everything?)
Your guy gets a little hot-headed along the way, ignoring some of Manny’s better advice in favour of competing against the odds – and winning. That’s too much for our dear friend, who waits until you pull off your biggest accomplishment so far (defeating three ninja-grade gangstas at once) before dropping you with a baseball bat and declaring he’s for #TeamDMob. Reluctantly, of course, but still. You deserved better from Manny.
By the way, Def Jam Vendetta is arguably the best wrestling/fighting game you probably never played, with the Wu-Tang Clan and other Def Jam recording artists voice-acting their way through a pretty decent story as if they were made for careers in voiceover. Of course, gaming and music’s next big intersection was Guitar Hero, and the curtain fell on that franchise years ago. We need a new bandleader.
There’s no word yet on whether a Mortal Kombat/Ed Sheeran crossover is on the cards. I’m just thinking out loud.
Uberto Alberti (Assassin’s Creed II)
That man didn’t get that bling by being nice.
Uberto Alberti is 15th century Florence’s most ferocious lawyer, a self-taught prosecutor whose skills grew beyond the reach of other legal eagles. He’s also a trusted advisor to Giovanni Auditore da Firenze, banker extraordinaire and father to our hero, the young rogue Ezio.
As Assassin’s Creed II builds to its first jaw-dropping chapter, Uberto takes centre stage in his role governing the city’s judicial system. Giovanni, and Ezio’s two brothers, are captured and sentenced to death on treason charges under the orders of the Templars, whose influence has swept across Europe in a path towards Rome, final destination: The Vatican. The Assassins’ order, of which Giovanni is secretly a member, exists to stop them.
Ezio manages to deliver vital evidence to Uberto – the kind of evidence that exposes the real conspirators and gets condemned Auditores off the hook – and the old laywer receives it gratefully. The following day, the same old lawyer denies all knowledge of the evidence and calls for the hangman to do his job. Giovanni, and his sons Federico and Petruccio, soon hang by their necks as Ezio feels his life changing in an instant. A fourth noose, swaying empty in the breeze, is meant for him.
Uberto would later die by Ezio’s hand, and a note found on his body went some way to explaining the tragic decision he found himself forced to make. You could feel sorry for him, but be reminded that the youngest Auditore, Petruccio, was only 13 years old and spent most of his life on a sickbed. Florence was surely better off without that young monster.
The long brick (Tetris)
Tetris isn’t just daddy’s passport to a world of pain, for it hates indiscriminately.
The long brick seems like it’s your best friend, and an easy ticket to Highscoresville when you use one to clear four rows at once. Watch it ease into that gap, enjoy that split-second of anticipation as the game recognises the killer move you just pulled off, and then obliges you with the swift termination of four whole rows, a suitably empowering sound effect, and oh so many points.
You couldn’t feel better if a whole team of angels came bounding into the room to applaud your brick skills.
It’s a shame that this tasty tetromino is far more likely to arrive when your rows are building up, new bricks are falling like heavy rain, your stacking options are becoming hope-killingly limited, and the last thing you need is a straight brick coming in with no place to go, ending your game and raising your blood pressure.
Of course, that’s exactly what you get. Make no mistake, the long Tetris brick is a world-class bastard that delivers false hope and real pain. It’s not your friend, and it never was. It was working with those other bricks all along!
It’s a real traitor, and it deserves to be denounced publicly.
