Life Hack: How to be a Hipster

If you:

• Are a bit weird (but not in a cool way),
• Are introverted (also not in a cool way),
• Do not wear skinny jeans, and/or
• Only listen to bands people have heard of…

Then you should probably keep reading. Because it means that you’re ‘not cool’ and are therefore unique. And that is NOT ON.

May I present to you the following life hacks that will help you flourish from the beautiful individual you are, into an ultra cool and super awesome commoner, or, as most refer to them: a hipster…

• Gentlemen. Throw away your razors and grow a beard or moustache (please see reference photo below). If you do not have a beard or a moustache, or (God forbid) you just can’t grow one, boo, you lose. Please also ensure you either have a man bun or a short-back-and-sides with a floppy bit on top. Otherwise, ya fukd.

• Ladies. Please Google Image Alexa Chung and then pin heaps of photos of her to your Pinterest board and worship her like a goddess. SHE IS YOUR FASHION MUSE. Also, stop eating. It’s important to be thin. Remember, you live on cigarettes, coffee (go to Starbucks and you can fuck right off), quinoa, and green juice.

• Go to Laneway and every band you see, say ‘Yah, I was into them before they were big’, or ‘Yah, I used to go out with their old drummer, but he left when they started getting mainstream’. See, even John Campbell goes to Laneway ‘cos he’s a hipster from way back when, suckahs.

• Always be creative and poor. If you really have to work like a normal person (but you’d be cooler if you didn’t) then you may work in advertising, film, a bar that only sells boutique beer and cocktails out of jars, a cafe that doesn’t have cappucino on the menu (actually, you don’t have a menu because you’re THAT COOL), or a retail store that stocks Stolen Girlfriend’s Club.
• You must only listen to bands no one else has heard of. Or, bands that are really old. The really old bands you must only listen to on vinyl. The new bands, well, I guess you can use Spotify on your iPhone 6 if you have to.
• Wear sunglasses and hats inside. Only losers follow the rules.

• Only watch foreign indie films. Sorry, did you say you were off to see Fifty Shades of Grey next week? No, I didn’t think so.
• Say you like Taylor Swift because it’s ironic. I don’t know why, just freaking do it.
• Please only shop at the following stores: Good as Gold, Superette, Karen Walker, op-shops (but not the Sallie’s, only the ones that sell Zambesi second-hand for like, $300), and other stores that I can’t name because they’re so cool and underground.
• Invest in a good pair of thick-rimmed glasses. Your 20/20 vision doesn’t mean shit.
• Talk about really important stuff. Please, tell me again about your view on progressive politics, philosophy, art, and counter-culture. I just love listening to your views on things.
• Have a blog. That incorporates all your ideas on whatever I just listed in the point above, abstract photos you took on your camera that looks really old, and some poetry.
• And finally… make sure you don’t fit into the ‘cultural norm’ and therefore actually do fit into the ‘cultural norm’ because the whole idea here, people, is to be really unique but actually just be exactly like your friend across the leaner at the new craft beer garage in the ‘burbs where you catch up on what happened at today’s filming for that indie film you’re working on about a cat who sails a boat to Egypt to find his true self, before heading off to a gig by a band that’s dressed in sparkly spandex and sings songs about tea and politics and war and killing themselves and then going home to your loft apartment to do yoga under the moonlight before turning in with a good cup of organic green tea and Proust.