How to supermarket like a respectable human being

Supermarket shopping is LAME.

See? Liz Lemmon knows it. She hates it. I hate it. I just. Like. I can’t even. Like, Hashtag I Can’t Even.

Very early on in my very grown-up-chores-and-bills-and-shopping-filled relationship, my partner and I agreed that if I did the supermarket shopping each week, he’d clean the house. Outside I was all “Sweet.” but inside I was all *Evil laugh* “What an idiot! He’s just got no idea what real housework is!” You see, we have a three storey house, two very furry cats, and a four year old that drops crumbs, like, everywhere (I swear, there were popcorn kernels in his sheets last time I changed the bed). So naturally, I was like, yeah that’s fine, I’m down with that.

Fast forward to now. I am a broken woman (sometimes literally) come shopping nights and I generally spend my night swearing bloody murder against all the people I’ve encountered in the grocery store and recounting every. single. thing. that happened to anyone who will listen.

If, perchance, you don’t find supermarket shopping stressful and breeze your way through it without a hitch each week, you’re probably the EXACT PERSON THIS POST IS AIMED AT. So please, do read on. Along with world peace, my unattainable goal in life is for us all to supermarket like non-assholes. So here are some handy tips to follow.

DO:

• Adhere to the trolley-on-the-left rule. It’s quite simple really, just imagine you’re driving a car. Keep to the left and we won’t have a problem. Push your trolley RIGHT DOWN THE CENTRE OF THE AISLE and you’re gonna piss people off. Namely me (and, like, 500 other people).
• Be respectful and courteous. Seriously, people. This isn’t AFL, save your yobbiness for elsewhere.
• Wait your turn. Hello there. Oh, where did that voice come from, you ask? From me. Right behind you. Oh, sorry, you didn’t see me there? That’s cool, I totally understand that you just couldn’t possibly wait an extra 10 seconds to pick up your Easiyo Greek yoghurt sachet and instead, just stepped DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF ME LIKE I WASN’T EVEN THERE.
• Pick up the two bags of chips and the tin of Baked Beans that your two-year old just pulled off the shelf. Ain’t nobody else gonna pick up after you in real life. Please, apply those rules to the supermarket also. No wonder I have a complex.

DON’T:

• Park your trolley in the middle of the aisle. Or I will kill you. Just, y’know, move it to the left. Y’know, out of the way of, like, the 30 other people that are trying to get down the aisle for their weekly fix of organic, grain fed, free range quinoa or whatever.
• Get shitty with the checkout kid when it was totally you that cracked the eggs. We all know he didn’t crack them, mama di’int raise no fool. We all know he’s being a little poppet running off to get you a new carton. We all know that *huff*, well I suppose so but I am running late, wasn’t necessary.
• Give your preschooler free reign with the mini trolleys. Nothing good can come of children, wheels, and confined spaces. Just chuck the kid in the trolley and give him some luncheon sausage.

So there you have it. May the blessing of supermarket etiquette always be on you and may you never feel the roll of a wheel on your foot again.