I have been in some awful relationships and have dated some shitty, shitty people (hi, if you’re reading this). I’ve also been the shoulder to cry on for many of my friends whose relationships have also ended in disaster. I can only conclude that with the growing population of experts in mindfuckery and manipulation that we must be going about it all wrong.
So here is your 10 step programme to becoming that person you’d rather forget:
10. Lead Them On
Content with blurring the lines between friendship and a relationship? Happy to do date-like things with that person you’ve friend-zoned but have no actual physical intimacy? Then just continue to soak up that attention and enjoy your “faux-relationship”. Better still, reject that friend who plucked up the courage to tell you they have feelings for you, because you “don’t feel that way” about them and you don’t want to “ruin a good friendship”. Once you see their self-esteem crumbling before your eyes then continue to be surprised – because where would they get that idea? Either way, faux-dating will make you good when it comes to real dating.
9. Don’t Make Time For Them
Why didn’t someone tell you that being in a relationship means spending time with another human being?! You’re a busy person and can’t afford to rearrange your busy timetable. Being popular and having an awesome career is so hard – FML! Just go about doing all those important things and when you’re alone and bored then make contact, but only if they’re a last resort. Oh, what’s that? You’re actually keen on that person, you say? Then carry on with being too busy and having everything you want, when you want it, and make time for them only when it suits you.
8. Be On Your Phone All The Time
Who cares about the person in front of you? It’s not like you’re interested in giving them your full attention. With your toneless replies and half-answers to their yabbering they’ll never know you don’t care. For extra douchey-ness, just be on your phone while you’re in bed together instead of being intimate and enjoying their company. Let’s be honest, what ever you’re looking at on your phone or whoever you’re texting is worth your time way more than the person in the same room as you: urgh, gross.
7. Don’t Listen To Them
Everything you have to say is more important. Having such important things to say means you can’t be interrupted, so don’t bother letting them fit another word in. But if on the odd occasion you do let them talk about themselves and what’s important to them, just tune out or take very little interest and forget. They love that.
6. Don’t Negotiate
It’s your way or nothing. I mean, you would let them have their way if it was the better option, right? But it never is. Take control without options for discussion because you know best. You’re always right in a fight because why would you be so lowly in being wrong, when the view is so much nicer from your high horse?
5. Stop Trying
It’s easier to stop trying and not putting effort in where it counts. Equally working on your relationship is too much to ask. Being interested in what you can do for each other’s wants and needs takes up too much energy. It’s easier to cruise through a relationship by giving the bare minimum. It’s not just about trying to make the relationship work by doing special things. A healthy relationship isn’t all roses, so if they need your support just run away: you’ve got too much to deal with.
4. Don’t Show You Care
It’s too hard to be emotionally developed and show maturity by admitting what your feelings. They should already know what you feel because you two have this “unspoken” thing and they are clearly psychic. Even occasional acts of thoughtfulness are too much to care about. They don’t need to hear about what you feel and you don’t want to know how they feel, so why communicate any of that? Ew, feelings, yuck.
3. Suffocate Them
You must not let that person do anything without you. You must constantly check in on them, be jealous when they’re out with their friends, have raging fits because they talked to their non-threatening friend who you think is hitting on them. Being completely possessive and insecure about your relationship is justified because you just know they can’t be trusted, right? Not like them trusting you not to invade their privacy by hacking their social media accounts and checking their text messages when they’re in the shower. That’s totally different.
2. Be Selfish
Your needs are more important than anyone else’s, so demand constant attention. Having the better offer all the time means you’ll be better off. Don’t forget to get angry every time something doesn’t go your way (refer back to point 6. Negotiation). And what’s with this being “giving” thing, anyway? Just let that person you’re with continue to be generous and show them nothing in return. Take everything you can get, you’re entitled to getting everything you want in life. Being selfish means you’ll be happier for it, even if the other person isn’t, because it’s about surviving disappointment.
1. Be Dishonest
It’s only dishonest if you tell a direct lie, right? That’s a whole different thing altogether, isn’t it? I mean, all you’re doing is holding back the truth and not telling them what you really think or feel. It’s too much effort to tell the truth. They don’t need to know you’ve cheated on them, besides it was just that one time. You can’t help who you are. So what if you have feelings for someone else? What you have is secure and safe, you don’t want to risk losing that. You want to keep people happy and don’t want to disappoint them. No one was made perfect so it’s okay to keep being dishonest. Things are so much easier just to keep doing what you’re doing, what they don’t know won’t hurt them. Just wait until it’s too late.
If you follow these simple steps for the rest of your life then you’ll successfully ruin every chance you have at a good relationship.
Good luck being alone forever!
