Each month, friends of Cake Oven are invited to write short reviews of the outstanding contributions to pop culture from the last 30 days.
BJORK – VULNICURA, reviewed by reader and Cake Oven commemorative pin collector Charles Dickens.
It was early in the morning that I heard of Vulnicura, a speculation that Miss Bjork conjured from a single affinity between sound and coriander.
“Miss Bjork!” I said, confused and bewildered. “This is the work of a woman?”
“It is my letter of heartbreak,” She replied. I recommended she take up elderly spinsterhood immediately, for it is a talent not born but acquired, and it would take many years of practice for her to cover her mirrors and stop all her clocks in the manner befitting such sadness. She protested but I saw no recourse. I derived from her aggression that she had already begun this work in earnest.
“Miss Bjork –“
“That is not my name”, she interrupted, as is the wont of women. She did not have the income that I did, she was a woman and her estate was likely held by a man, perhaps her father, perhaps an older Icelandic fisherman who caught whimsy in his unfolding moustache.
“Many women are not well received for their honest work, and have to speak louder and more repeatedly to achieve their desired effect.”
This was nonsense. I bid her good day and returned to the high street, seeking out Ms. Swift, whom I would speak to exclusively of her ex-lovers, and a Master Blake Shelton, with whom I would discuss his delicate craft, and rid myself of the foolish notions of relationships that I spoke of so often – almost exclusively – with women. Miss Bjork’s album was therefore of the lesser London lowest-ranks, because she could not escape her womanly ways, and I, as a forthright man, know better than to consider her work anything resembling technical mastery of a tried-and-tested professional.
PADDINGTON, reviewed by elder god and film-criticism-reader Tilda Swinton.
I was curious when my old friend, Lord Wolgoth of the Black Forest, summoned me to his winter feast.
“Ancient Sea-Mother,” he intoned, “One of ours has sought his fortune on the screen.”
“He seeks the lost Screen of Mythar’naan, which peels the veil between mortal and unkindred?”
“No, Wavefarer, the screen of mortal men, who watch for folly and sport.”
This was concerning. No mortal man should know the power of the Old-Kin, borne of fur and glass in the Waking Days. The Lord of Schwarzvald told me of Paddington, youthful child of the of kin, whose tale played large in mortal places, whose story now unfolded with a new face, portrayed by a mummer of the forest’s children.
I hurried quickly from Wolgoth’s chambers and mounted the air, my fingers tossing it until I was borne aloft and through to a local mortal Cinema Establishment. The film was mirthful to my ancient soul. I returned to my ancient slumber, once again waiting for the summons of the mortal Wesley Anderson.
AGENT CARTER, reviewed by regular commenter Jane Austen
It is a truth, rarely acknowledged, that a woman in possession of steady employment cannot be expected to marry. Miss Carter, of sound mind but unsound reason, flaunts herself as a model of self-sufficiency that few women should be encouraged to aspire to. What garden fancies would she attend, being of less than six per year and living amongst women of immoral means? No pleasant company to be found among her male peers, it seems. A peerage would indeed help matters, but being haled from England to New World shores she shows little attention to the social dynamics she has left behind. Perhaps this is how Americanites behave, but I see no marriage in Miss Carter’s future. It would not matter if she were wealthy, or merely shy and bookish, or become of so many sisters that attending a dance became a suitor-searching frenzy, instead she rejects any such man that might make a true woman of her with a stapling machine.
I can recommend only the high fashions of mister Sousa, and shall endeavour to keep him in view.
SEX CRIMINALS: JUST THE TIPS – FRACTION/ZDARSKY, reviewed by failed Cake Oven editor Mitt Romney.
Son, I’m pretty sure this is illegal.
Vulnicura is available in stores and via digital download now. Paddington is currently in cinemas. Agent Carter is currently airing. Just the Tips is available from filthmongers and comics purveyors near you.
