It’s dangerous to parent alone! (Or in pairs! Or in any way whatsoever!) Read this!
Parenting is really difficult. I say this not as a parent, because I don’t have any kids, but as an average kinda person who sees at least one or two parenting guides or tip lists dropped on the internet each day to help people manage their kids in this age of high technology and low standards. The need is obviously great.
Sure, you’ve got the app that tells you where your kids are every minute of every day but, because you’re too busy on the phone explaining to your bank why your two-year-old’s iPad game has resulted in $27,000 worth of micropayments beating your credit card limit into dust, you can’t properly parent the risky teens who’d rather be frisky teens. (Just like you were.) You’ve gotta stop that right now, right?
Thankfully, the soldiers of the fourth estate stand ready to serve you with helpful advice like this:
“If your teen is heading off for “Netflix and chill” they’re intending to do much more than just relax while watching the television.”
– Teen Lingo: What they’re really saying
This is a shocking revelation. Not because of what “Netflix and chill” means (small hint: SEX) but because an opinion piece on the same website explained the term to its readers just a few months ago. If short-term memory loss is a thing for you, then understanding youth slang is probably the least of your problems.
Here’s the thing though. The best secret slang stays secret. The internet’s absolutely crawling in surreptitiously sexy talk and even the mainstream media hasn’t picked it up. Because we’re here to do good, we’re going to help parents out by explaining some of the teen lingo the news forgot to mention.
Xbox – The private parts of a former female partner.
Play Xbox One – To have sexual relations with one former female partner.
Play Xbox 360 – To have sexual relations with several hundred former female partners.
Play Wii U – To invite a third party over for a threesome. Not, as some people have mistakenly thought, an invitation for watersports. (If you want to know what that means, pick up a newspaper from 1991 and look for the teen lingo glossary of the time. It’ll be there just under the two-star review of Nirvana’s Nevermind.)
TARDIS – “Bigger on the inside,” in this case a reference to an outwardly timid person being a sexual dynamo once their clothes are off.
Backwards compatible – Willing to hook up with exes, usually for nostalgia’s sake but sometimes to seek unearned achievements.
Marvel Cinematic Universe – A party where women are totally outnumbered by men.
Skyrim – To go home with a virtual stranger for the promise of a quick thrill, but you don’t come back for weeks and only after you’ve consumed a load of exotic beverages and been married by a jewel-studded minstrel. Past generations know this as “going to Vegas.”
PC Master Race – Collective slang for the sexually inexperienced.
Armageddon – New Zealand’s largest sex-cruising events. Like pointing your bananas upwards in a supermarket trolley to indicate availability, wearing different costumes indicates different sexual kinks and appetites. Batman indicates a preference for anonymity and rough talk, Harley Quinn is all about that bratty submissive stuff, and Aquaman means you’re just there to find discounted Funko dolls.
