2015 in games: Drake, Halo, Pornhub, and an apology to Destiny

This isn’t an exhaustive list of great games we played over the last 12 months, but I’m pretty exhausted and this is a list – so it’s close. Happy New Year, everyone!

If it’s broke, fix it twice as good: Halo 5

There’s no easy way to say this, but Halo multiplayer sucked before Halo 5: Guardians. It didn’t suck all the time, but it absolutely sucked between the launches of the Master Chief Collection and Halo 5. The former’s experience was a bit like someone not very good at Tinder – got no game, got no matches – while the latter has, because of the Warzone mode, been such a happy joyfest that it’s hard to imagine Halo multiplayer without it.

Warzone’s a territory-type scenario that pits you, your human teammates, and a bunch of reasonably functional non-playable Marines against another team of the same and against any homicidal space freaks that decide to crash your party. The better you do, the better weapon, vehicle, and ability drops you get. It’s a bit Call of Duty, it’s a bit Gears of War, it’s a bit of pretty much everything – but it’s built a great multiplayer mode for Halo. Dreams do come true.

I used to play this on my cellphone: Drizzy Tearz

This game’s pretty simple: Drake started at the bottom, now he’s sad. It’s your job to dab away his tears by tapping your smartphone’s screen with an increasingly rapid rate of glass-threatening pokes. It’s a bit like playing Missile Command, only with a lot more Drake in it and three times as punishing. It’s a good little mobile game. What more is there to say?

For starters, perhaps talking about Drizzy Tearz justifies and incentivises “the creation of more shallow, stale crapware” as they’ve been saying over on The Verge. The argument is that sad ol’ Drizzy is a sad ol’ meme and, because he’s now doing stuff for bespoke LOLs, maybe a Hotline Bling dance game might have been more current and respectful of his artistry. On one hand, I’m inclined to agree. On the other hand, we’re talking about the Top 40. “Shallow and stale” describes three quarters of the modern pop charts.

S’cuse me while this old man buggers off to yell at a cloud.

I can’t stop thinking about: Bloodborne

I hate Bloodborne like I hated fifth form maths, which is to say I crawled through it and endured all sorts of miserable pain but stuck at it because that one millimetre of fresh progress per hour was enough to keep me hooked, and therefore completely in love with it. (Is this what it’s like to be a meth addict, or just a math addict?)

I love this cruel bitch mistress of a game so much that I’ve been declaring it to be 2015’s GAME OF THE YEAR at all the important get-togethers, like PR/media mixers and late-night bus rides back to west Auckland. Mind you, this is only true if you like your games to grab you by the soul and punch it until you’re apologising for every transgression you’ve ever committed. If that’s not you, then your GAME OF THE YEAR is either Super Mario Maker or Neko Atsume: Kitty Collector.

Damn you straight to hell, Bloodborne. You’re the best.

The best gardening simulator is: Fallout 4

Anything that can put a few red lights in the path of Pornhub’s faptacular web traffic is worth standing up and taking notice of, but it’s not as if Fallout 4 was destined to disappoint. If Star Wars: The Force Awakens was the mass-appeal pop culture launch of the year, then Bethesda’s latest post-apocalyptic fetchquest-o-rama was an easy number two.

Finding time to play anything, or everything, that comes our way isn’t always a simple proposition but I appreciate the slow-burn approach that Fallout players are permitted to take. You can go in and do everything in a series of marathon sessions, or just drop in once a week to tend to your little post-nuclear family like it’s some kind of virtual zoo or garden. It’s not just a wasteland, it’s a charming and relaxing wasteland. Pop open a cold drink, and walk through the ashes of mankind for a while.

Kinda related: Stand up right now, wherever you are*, and if there are more than five people around then ask in a loud and clear voice: “Pardon me, fellow people! Are any of you playing Fallout Shelter?”

It seems like everyone’s playing Fallout Shelter.

* Maybe not if you’re at a funeral, wedding, or citizenship ceremony. But if you are, then what are you doing reading this, eh?

I was totally wrong about: Destiny

Actually, in my defence, I feel like I was totally right about Destiny and also totally right about its 2015 update, The Taken King. I could discuss the difference between the two at length, but that would be cutting into precious time I could be spending feeding this thrilling new addiction.

At this stage of Destiny‘s evolution I don’t know, or care, if this is an unpopular opinion but I believe junking the Dinklebot helped. I love me some Peter Dinklage, but I did not love me some Peter Dinklage reciting Ghost’s lines like he was receiving them by torchlight in a toilet cubicle. (The other Forbes disagrees, to a point.) Maybe I’m just feeling fondness for Nolan North’s Ghost because he sounds like a less sociopathic 343 Guilty Spark, but I really like the new Ghost.

Year Two seemed to carry the weight of its own story far better than Year One, and the grind became a pleasure. It still is. It may always be. Long live the Taken King.

Bungie, eh? They’re just that damned good. I’m so sorry I doubted their magical game.