Who doesn’t want to be an instant expert on gaming’s most glorious week?
The Electronic Entertainment Expo is gaming’s single largest information dump. It all happens so fast, and it’s pretty tough to take it all in. This is tricky though. There will be people who, because they know you’ve got the office record for QuizUp or that you queued up at midnight for Call of Duty once, will rely on you to tell them what to get excited about.
It’s a great responsibility, you know.
Note: Not from E3 2015.
The news breaks and rolls so quickly during the E3 press conferences that it’s almost impossible to do them more than just quick justice, and from there on out the week is just a maddening blur. I should know. I’ve been over there and done it twice. It takes time to actually package it all up into something substantial, but who’s got time for that? There are people relying on you to flick those opinions out there like ninja stars!
If you haven’t had time to absorb all the E3 goodness, then here are some handy one-liners for you to sprinkle into your conversations this week. If you’re feeling particularly bold, you can even use some of them to pretend you’re there in Los Angeles. Just don’t come crying to us if you start getting requests for duty free shopping.
With love from Bethesda
“Doom‘s a thing again! Doom never went away! Remember when Chandler said “Doom” on Friends? Wait – will there be more Quake?”
“FALLOUT! FALLOUT! SAY IT WITH ME, FRIENDS: FALLOUT!”
“I’d love to stay here and talk, but this Fallout mobile game is more interesting than you are.”
“New Dishonored. Need I say more? Just focus on the knowing look I’m giving you right now.”
“Bethesda is the new Ubisoft. All hail the rulers of the third-party houses.”
Sexy Box
“Backwards compatibility is the thing that will save the Xbox One from the bright future it would otherwise have had. When will these guys stop listening to what we want and then acting on it? How do I even snark anymore?”
“Please send a box of the Elite controllers to my desk immediately. If I don’t happen to own a desk, I’ll buy one just for this.”
“The only real shock from the Xbox event is Chris Pratt isn’t starring as Master Chief.”
“There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth when Mario wasn’t announced as the end boss of the new Forza. Why won’t they just do what the fans want?”
“Xbox owned PlayStation.”
EA is for EAwesome
“EA’s new Tearaway clone is so cute that I just want to squeeze it until it pops sherbet.”
“The EA Sports stuff seems in order. Needs more hashtag-driven team plays though. What, don’t ask me how that’s supposed to work.”
“This is the biggest year for Star Wars since 1999.”
“The new Mass Effect looks promising.”
“EA is the new Bethesda. All hail anyone but Ubisoft.”
Note: Not actually E3 2015 either.
Ubisoft? More like Ubifuzzyandloveandaww
“That game about killing stuff looks pretty good.”
“This Assassin’s Creed appears to not have Ezio in it, but maybe it doesn’t not have Ezio in it.”
“For Honor looks promising.”
“Ubisoft is the new Ubisoft. All hail the ruler of the third-party houses.”
YayStation
“[email protected] @[email protected] FINAL FANTASY VII REMAKE. MY LIFE IS COMPLETE.”
“I literally do not know how I will have time to play all these tantalising games. I’ll need to find an uncharted location to hide at. See what I did there?”
“Dreams looks promising.”
“PlayStation owned Xbox.”
Nonetendo
“They’ve got Zelda or something.”
Wish-You-Were-Here: Pretending to be at E3
“The LACC is big. How can a place so big not have a decent flat white?”
“Can you believe that thing that happened! What do you think, guys? #E3engagementrighthurr”
Note: Not even remotely E3 2015.
“Gene Simmons is probably here somewhere. That’s either his tongue, or an uneaten Subway with double meat.”
“Chris Pratt once breathed the same air as me.”
“This is the year of indie gaming for sure. I can feel it in the air, in amongst the sweat particles.”
“Can you believe they call it Axe body spray here? Tomayto, tomahto.”
“Oh wow, jet lag. My body is not ready. Eh, eh? Did you like that one?”
“Los Angeles is not like Los Santos at all. Nobody’s running around with four stars flashing over their heads, haw haw.”
“Ew. Booth babes exist. #EverydaySexism I’ll blog about this later once I’m done taking t-shirts and stickers from them.”
“There has never been a better time to quote exactly what I heard here today at the center of everything. Note how I Americanised Americanized that. I’m practically native now!”
“None of this really matters. E3 is a deathmarch of broken promises and nothing you see here makes it out without losing the use of its legs. #RememberWatchDogs”
“The toilet queue looks promising.”
