Friends/buddies/pals/amigos are God’s gift to all mankind, especially ones who bake you cake and buy you M.A.C. lippy for your birthday.
And then there are frenemies, those fine folk who you always seem to hang out with every weekend, but they keep borrowing your expensive stuff and never returning it and you invite them to your wedding then never see them again. Not that I’m bitter.
Frenemies are the kinds of people who make you feel schizophrenic about life. You look forward to grabbing soy chai lattes with her because you’ve got ‘so much to catch up on, babe!’, then afterwards you just want to stab your eyeballs with a fork because she moaned about how awful her life is the whole time.
While there’s got to be a good reason why frenemies keep sticking around, the sooner you get rid of them the less emotional fuckwittage (thanks, Bridge) you have to deal with. Subtlety works sometimes, other times your frenemy divorce needs to be a bit more obvious. Here are a handful of ways you can tell your frenemy you’re actually enemies.
Unfollow (GASP!) them on Insty
They’ll never know you’ve left their pack (unless they’ve gone and downloaded that Followers app that compares who you follow to who follows you, in which case, good luck to ya). Be warned, though; if they change their account from public to private after you unfollow them, then you decide you want to refollow them, you might have to invent a story on the spot about how you’ve actually never followed them before and you commenting on their baby photos a few months back was all a figment of their imagination.
Glitter bomb them
Unless you’ve been living under a glitter-encrusted rock, you’ve probably heard of ShipYourEnemiesGlitter.com. Yup, it’s exactly how it sounds. Think about how impossible it is to clean up “the herpes of the craft world”. Now think how awesome it would be to piss your frenemies off by filling an envelope right to the top with glitter, and having it poof all over them when they open it. But it’s not just pissing them off; it’s pissing them off CUTELY. When ShipYourEnemiesGlitter.com launched last month they sold out of glitter within a few hours. Panic not, though; glitter revenge is back up and running.
Plant grass seed in their carpet
OK, so this one takes you from stage three to stage nine cray pretty darn quickly, but it’s worth it. I think. Grass seed is very accessible in plant stores so all you really need to think about is water. “Oh dear, your washing machine overflowed,” or “Goshdarnit, how did the water mains explode so conveniently?” could be good covers.
List their brand new car for sale
Even better, advertise it at half the price. Your frenemy will have phone calls and copious degrees of confusion coming out their ears.
Order delivery food to their house
If they’re gluten-free order pizza. Now that’s really mean.
