I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for about four months. Is it too early to say “I love you”? This is my first real relationship in an embarrassingly long time, and I’m worried about messing something up. But I love him so much, and want him to know it!
– ILU
This question has a rule of thumb: tell them you love them between six and twelve months into a relationship.
Rules Of Thumb are generally pretty sound. Here’s why this one works: if you wait thirteen months to declare your love, maybe you… don’t? If you can’t uncover some affection in an entire year of your life, 1/80 of your precious time on this precious planet, move on. Move on. Let them move on too. Not all of us have all the time in the world.
However, four months into a relationship, you can’t really know someone (sorry, ILU). Have you had a fight yet? Does the way he stacks the dishwasher drive you crazy because oh my GOD, it’s not that HARD, jesus. There’s a lot of little things that haven’t come out yet, or are being masked by the honeymoon phase. Declaring love for someone before you know them is a red flag. It says, I love the idea of you.
This is your “first real relationship in an embarrassingly long time.” When you look at him sleeping, and think “I love you,” do you mean, “I love this man, the way he makes me laugh, the way he cherishes me, the way he strokes my hair,” or do you mean, “I love having someone to talk to, and a date to Bradgelina’s wedding, and someone to chase bugs away.”
ILU, how are you when you’re alone? Is there anything you’ve put off – travel, a move, dealing with that bug in the corner of your room – because you didn’t have a Beau to escort you? It’s not “embarrassing” to have a break between partners. It’s often the healthiest thing you can do. You don’t date someone because you want a Boyfriend. You date them because the thought of life without them leaves you torn up inside.
Having said that – in the first four months of a relationship, company, brunches and bug-defeating is kind of all you can know of a person. And that’s fine too! Brunch is GREAT.
Saying you’re worried about messing something up – girl, if it’s real, you probably can’t mess up too bad. If this is the One True Fella who you were Destined To Be With, then saying ILU at four months instead of six won’t make a damn bit of difference.
But: maybe you don’t need to say Those Words to get your point across. When I felt the ILU’s build in my throat for my Beau, I knew it was too early to say it, so I hedged the phrasing. I told my boy, “I’m so glad to be with you, and have you in my life,” *big hug*. After a month of that, he said gently, “I know what you mean by that, and you can say you love me, cos I like to hear it, and I love you too.’” Awww.
Can you say what I said honestly? “My life is richer with you in it, and I’m glad you’re here”? Because that means more than “I love you.”
Or forget all the self-reflection and just wait another two months, then say it. Whatever.
– RayRay
RayRay is not a doctor and you should not take her advice. Do you have problems? Email [email protected]
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Life’s too short to hold back. One of the problems with today’s society is we think it’s “cooler” to hold things in until they damage us from the inside and we explode and it all comes out wrong.
While not everything should be blurted out that’s on one’s mind, it’s healthy to create discussion and fear should not be in the equation of having those discussions: that’s how people grow, becoming thick-skinned and fearless.
There is no mandate on when it’s the right time to say you love someone because we’re all making it up as we go along because every person and situation is different. The more we are of accepting that it’s okay to talk about your feelings, whatever they may be, the better off everyone will be.
#2cents #KennyTheLoveGuru
The only appropriate way to tell some one you love them –
I don’t know how anyone is supposed to think about these deep, important things with all those Buffy gifs tearing at their feels!