Fifty Shades of Grey: A Drunken Review

No but seriously, I saw the Fifty Shades movie last night, and the most memorable thing about the sex scenes is just how hairy Anastasia is.

I might be a bit drunk as I write this. Let me just make some bullet points, perhaps, to make a point (see what I did there?) about how bad this movie is. Then we can not waste any more time talking about it and move on.

Now, a caveat: I’m not even going to touch the storyline. The stalking, the belting, that’s all a story for another day.

Merkins

Dakota “my parents were famous in 1968” Johnson sports a lovely pubic wig, which I didn’t need to see, and I can’t now unsee. Even in this semi-trashed state. I have merkin eyes. That’s a thing, right? I can claim ACC? Why was I seeing so much of her I could tell the pubic hair was fake?

On the plus side, Johnson had hairy legs, which I approve of whole-heartily. Hair! On Legs! revolution.

I knew I was a bloody trendsetter.

Sexism

You see all of her goods, but you never see the sausage.

No, Lizzie, no!

Oh no, Ana’s mum is played by Elizabeth Bennet.

This makes my entire body hurt. Bet lady is fully regretting turning down that Game of Thrones role, huh.

Rita Ora

What the fuck.

Christian’s accent

He’s American. Now he’s Irish. Now he’s American. Now he’s Irish. Now he’s… South African?

A good soundtrack, wasted

Heaven knows why Beyonce is a tracklisting on this artistic barren wasteland of a film. She’s supposed to lead us to the light, not away from it.

Dem sex scenes (NSFW)

Imagine two people who are more wooden than wooden coathangers or perhaps wooden clothespegs. In fact, imagine two wooden clothespegs, one with good abs and one with a merkin, slamming up against one another. That would be more sexy than the sex scenes  in this movie.

 

Seriously, when Christian went to suck a nipple – and yes, that happened – he had a look of such utter disdain on his face that you’d think she had put battery acid on her nips. And don’t get me started on the look he gave the merkin before smushing his face up against it.

Also before he relieved Ana of her virginity, Christian said “we’d better deal with that” the way one deals with a mosquito or perhaps an empty glass in need of more alcohol please. You’re on a geek website so you’re probably a virgin. There is nothing wrong with you.

Well, there is, but it’s not your virginity.

 

What I did like?

Safe sex

Christian was obviously putting a condom on, which is major points.

Colin Mathura-Jeffree

Colin was sitting behind me at the preview and his constant cackling kept me sane. I recommend taking Colin to most places but I will rank them for you just in case you need to prioritise:

1. 50 Shades movies
2. High tea
3. Top model fashion shoots
4. Shopping for fans at Bunnings Mt Roskill
5. All other occasions

Dat soundtrack

If you’re gonna watch this movie, you will. The hype will make you. But if you choose to not, know that however else you spent your time, it was better spent than watching Fifty Shades of Grey.