Cleaning Hacks for Lazy People

If you’re anything like me, you enjoy a clean house, but you’re also a lazy, messy asshole and you also have things to do with your life like, doodling, eating, complaining about American politics and high watching Sesame Street (I have never done this, but I’d imagine it would be okay). These are all very important things and life is precious, so why spend it faffing around with a mop all day?

Set a timer for 15 minutes, pick a section of the house and go nuts.

Self explanatory. I recommend sculling a cup of strong coffee and sticking on some music just to set the mood. Sometimes I like to dress up and make a party of it.

All living and relaxing areas need a small “Miscellaneous Crap” box that you empty out at the end of each week.

Anything that you can’t immediately categorise into a closet or a drawer that’s made its way out into the lounge, gets chucked in there. Random books, blankets, vibrators, mail etc. A footstool with a lid is good because you can quickly throw stuff in there and it’s out of sight. So, when a friend gives you 10 minutes notice that she’s coming around for a chat, you can make like you’re “sorted” and “grown up”. Just remember to make a point of sorting it at the end of the week. Or not. Whatever.

Clean floors with a spray bottle.

Buckets are a big waste of water, energy and Grey’s Anatomy watching time. Fill a spray bottle with your choice of cleaner/disinfectant, spray on the floor, let it soak for a few minutes and walk it out with an old, clean towel.

Windex, Windex, Windex.

Just get window cleaner. It’s the best all round, multi purpose cleaner.

Oven Cleaner

This is the laziest, best way to get all your steel (not enamel or teflon coated) pots, pans and oven really super clean. Cover your face, chuck your pots and pans in a cold oven and cover everything (not the element) in that stuff. It is pretty deadly, so make sure you don’t breathe it in and have adequate protection for your hands. Wait half an hour to “a unit of time where you remember that there is stuff in the oven”, wipe down all that stuff thoroughly with a damp (cotton) cloth and wash your pots and pans. Don’t do this more than once a week because lungs and health.

Also, Baking Soda.

If you haven’t heard about the baking soda revolution, well, I haven’t either because I think it’s a little overstated to call it a revolution and if there was actually a revolution, you’d have no words to describe that. But anyway, baking soda cleans a multitude of sins. You can also mix it with your favourite smelly oils, sprinkle it on your carpet and vacuum it up to freshen up a room that you previously farted in or hotboxed. Soak your whites in it. Soak your blacks in it! You can pretty much do anything with it. Make a baking soda mountain with it or place it up your ass, I don’t care. Don’t let me tell you how to live your life.

Make kids do the work.

Kids love helping. Just make them do something. Bribe them with cake or money. If you don’t have imps of your own, they are very easy to find and there will always be a parent willing to dispose of one for an afternoon.

Start from the top of a room and work your way down.

I completely lack any cleaning common sense, so this was a revelation to me. Start with dusting the ceiling, work your way down the walls and declutter shelves, throw anything you don’t need onto the floor or into a box and then vacuum the floor.

Soak and Multitask

Spray a stained area, go do something else for a few minutes, come back and wipe off.

Wait until your Mum comes over.

This usually works just as well.

Well done. Time for a gin, girlfriend/brofriend. You’ve earned it.