‘How To Throw Shade Like A Marquee’
Guest Written by Mrs. Alexis Morell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan
Hello. I am Alexis Morrell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan. Yes, I’ve been married more than thrice and each husband was as tiresome as the last. Yet not entirely useless, I do admit… each served their purpose and none that I regret, for I would not be what I am, who I am and where I am without the opportunities laid before me.
Quite like the opportunity to converse with one such as yourself, who I hear is in desperate need of my help.
It has come to my attention that you are weak. Let us not be coy … why else would you be here in such ruthless company?
I see I’ve surprised you with my honesty. I would be quite frank, but Frank was the name of one of my previous suitors and hardly worth mentioning.
*mirthless smile, sips champagne*
So allow me to be clear: by the time you’ve finished this condensed course you will be a crisp, battle-worthy and cutthroat version of me. But why should I go to all this trouble, you ask? Well, my dear, it’s quite simple: imitation is the sincerest form of flattery…
Let’s begin.
The Ten Absolute Principals of Alexis Morrell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan*
(*disclaimer: principals may change or increase accordingly to suit the needs of selfish ambition, ulterior motives and manipulative goals)
- Find yourself some money. Lots of it.
- Find yourself a husband. Lots of them (refer to point 1).
- Money is power but so is information. Make it your business to know everything.
- Know your enemies and seduce your allies.
- Make every living being fear you.
- A diet of the finest caviar, martinis and cigarettes is a prerequisite.
- Sharpen your tongue with the finest champagne. Moët et Chandon Dom Perignon Oenothèque ’42 is a delightful choice.
- Find the most endangered creatures and wear their hides.
- Find yourself a ‘cow’ named Dominique to insult frequently.
- Being a bitch is always in fashion.
For continued inspiration to be the most powerful, fearsome bitch in town, here are a few phrases made famous by me.
I have a reputation that is unpredictable, devious and manipulative. I cherish that reputation because it keeps my enemies off guard.
*hands back glass of wine* This is disgustingly sweet, make me a martini.
You don’t really expect me to answer that, do you? I answer to no man and you know it.
I always have my own way of dealing with people… and there’s never been a man or a woman yet that I haven’t been able to deal with.
You know, I’m not really sure about these pearls, they’re so dowdy … they might look good on you!
Don’t play games with me, Ben. Because I always win.
This concludes our lesson for today. It is my hope that some of my best work I have imparted upon you will transform you into the ruthless predator you were meant to be – being a prey is so unbecoming, darling.
But I must warn you … don’t get cocky with your new found persona, there can only be one true Alexis Morell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan.
Dare to stand against me and you will quickly find that it will be I who will be standing above you as I will make sure you crumble to become nothing more than a dry, pitiful husk of your former self.
Ciao…
